Food Network - Recipe of the Day

Wednesday, April 26, 2006

Questions only my hairdresser knows for sure...

Straight from the Gobhole....................................
Here is the ugly truth...........................................

Can you cry under water?
That depends on the pee/chlorine ratio. My little brother cried when I crammed his head in the toilet when he was 12.

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?
If you are voted into your job then you have also given approval that you would prefer to be shot anytime, anywhere
and you will like it because you will be remembered forever even if you were stupid.

Why do you have to "put your two cents in But but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"?
Because my opinion is worth more than yours. Twice as much.

Where's that extra penny going to?
The other penny is a down payment for the next time I have to give you your opinion.

Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Yes, that's why I'm going to be buried in my Batman suit.

what about people who are cremated?
They screwed up didn't they? We'll just gently brush them out of our way trying to get to Jesus.

do they run around naked?
No, they float around in the heavenly air and make everybody sneeze.

What disease did cured ham actually have?
Cured ham died because when they were uncured they wouldn't stay out of the mud. So they had the disease of slobbery.

How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Because getting the heck off of this planet really fast is way more important than rollable clothes.

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up like every two hours?
Because the people who say that have never had babies. They just have little dolls they lay down in a crib and then go drink all the beer they want.

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Yes. Quit making fun of handicapped people you retard.

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
I tried to be on a movie once and tore the theatre screen while climbing. I can actually be "ON" my TV.

Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
That's just so they can check out the hot babes on the ground.

Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural
Because some panties are the size of a battleship and because most ladies have a panty drawer due to the incessant number of colors etc. but they just hang their bras in the doorway for when the preacher comes to visit and be impressed by the size of the bra. I swear this makes sense to me.

why is it called a toothbrush when people have more than one tooth?
call it a teethbrush!
Because a toothbrush was designed to clean ONE tooth at a time. Not just swirl it around in your mouth like you've done something important and then go drink your coffee and really screw your breath up. Geesh, I thought everybody knew this....

Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
God designed toasters with the burnt/hell setting to remind us that if we make the wrong choices we're going to get fried.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a stupid song about him?
There is a song because Jimmy used to crack walnuts all day long and drove everybody crazy.

If the professor on Gilligan's Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?
He didn't really want to get off the island now did he? You ever see the way he LOOKED at Ginger?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?
I don't know but I'll start doing that in restaurants.

Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
Because Goofy studied evolution and started believing that crap.

If Wiley E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME stuff, why didn't he just buy dinner?
Because Fresh Roadkill is ALWAYS better.

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, what is baby oil made from?
You wanna know the truth? You can't handle the truth!!!!!!

Do the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
It works until you let to LMNOP. Ellemennopeee.

Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
Because I am a muisical genius.

NOW, who would like to volunteer to answer my questions?
Not me. I'm busy.


Seeker said...

The real answer to the bra & panties question is this: Every woman owns 2 panties for every 1 bra. (And yes, it takes a drawer to contain them all)

Anonymous said...

well UJ, i like your answers best of all. You win the answer contest. especially since i think you have personal experience with many of these subjects. you poor thing, having a wife who hangs her huge bra in doorways.

LZ Blogger said...

How do you think GOOFY got his name?! ~ jb///

Jamie Dawn said...

It's late, so I'm gonna take my enormous butt and battleship panties to bed. Good Night.

Aunt Jo said...

Joe if you start pointing to your crotch in restaurants, you may be walking home. (BTW...our 6 yr old said, "Dad why did you say that bad word?" when she heard him read these questions)

I have to go now. I need to pick out a pair of bra-sies.

Anonymous said...

no one has picked up on the 'hairdressor" thing. where is everyone anyway. we need to promote this blog. get you some shares. get your value up a bit

uncle joe said...

yes GiGi, a LINK would have been nice! But I forgive you cause that's what friends do.....